In this fast paced world, it has become almost obscene for one to mention spirituality or have a religous inclination. I won't lie sometimes when I sit I feel that is the easier route because of all the things that my human mind fails to comprehend.
The last couple of months or so I have experienced events that have me saying "there has to be a God somewhere".
Last May I lost my father, a man so full of life he seemed immortal. Suddenly life had thwart me out of my comfort zone and thrown me on the cold hard streets. Being the firstborn, I had to conceal the effects of the impact. And conceal it well I did. I cracked my Kuda jokes and consoled anyone who wished to be consoled. I was the pillar of strength. Not because I gave myself that title but because the world expected me to carry on my firstborn duties and "be strong for Mum and Katebe" as everyone put it. But when the sun went home and the night time creeped up, my pillows were the only ones that knew the depth of my pain. I took to sleeping in my father's bed on his side (the left side) hoping that somehow he would be closer to me. (My mother slept in my room) Because at that point it felt like everything about him was buried at grave No. 5, Memorial Park. It was a lot of pain to bear for one soul but I masked it.
No matter how intense the pain got, I refused to pray. I refused to pray to a God who let this happen. A God who would allow a 47 year old man die in his sleep. A God who would allow a 16 year old boy see his father's dead body. I. REFUSED. My heart was closed to the thought of God.
I am a baptized Christian do not forget. Was baptized for 4 years at the time of my father's death and very spiritually inclined. But somehow all that went down the drain when Dad left.
The pain became unbearable and one night I decided to talk to my long lost friend, Jehovah. I let him know how angry I was, how much pain I felt and just how much I missed him. I didn't get the reply I so desperately wanted so I slept. As the morning came, I felt an inner peace that could only be described as Supernatural. For the first time in months my heart was at peace and I had a deep longing for God's word. The first scripture I turned to was John 5:28,29. This is a VERY familiar scripture to me. I have used it several times in my public ministry. But on that particular day it took on new meaning. In part it says "...all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out...". This time I read it in a different light, I read it as "Dad will hear His voice and come out". God given reassurance at the appropriate time.
As I meditated on the scriptures, I realised that God had nevet let me go. Granted he did allow Dad to pass away, but he never ever caused it. But even though Dad did die, Jehovah was constantly with me. Looking back I see that my family of faith constantly looked after me during that dark period. Kind words, hugs and phone calls from loved ones were all Jehovah's way of saying he has my back. I feel extra ungrateful now however it has given me insight into the kind of God I serve.
He works in ways that can be difficult for mere men to understand but if we put in earnest effort to learn and understand these ways, he reveals them to us. He wants us to cultivate a relationship with him. He is willing to take all the baggage and hurt that we carry with us and turn them into his own load to bear.
And as I enter the new year with the knowledge of these spiritual gems I am more motivated than ever to rekindle my relationship with God. I am learning albeit slowly to trust not in my understanding but in Jehovah's.
Kuda
Xx
