I Want It All

Hi my name is Kuda and I want five children. 3 girls and two boys. Wait! let me change that...Hi my name is Kuda and I want five children in this day and age. Many people often ask me "why do you want five children in this day and age?" That statement beguiles me frankly speaking. I had no idea the size and to a certain extent structure of a family needed to live up to a certain trend.

I know for a fact though that during the mid-nineties to early 2000s working mums with a small number of children were classified as the ideal. My mother herself only bore two children her reasons are unclear but I would like to believe it was a decision she made for her own benefit. I respect women who do this I really do. However i would like to believe that there is more than enough room to accommodate different lifestyle choices.

When i mention I want five children people naturally assume I want to be a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM). NO! I still want a fulfilling career and a fulfilling job. I feel like the Women's Rights Movement has been distorted by many to suit their own choices.

I like to believe that the point of early feminists was to give women a spectrum of choice. And if that choice includes being a mother to many children or being a stay at home mum so be it.

Now speaking from my own choice, why can I not be armed with an MBA in one hand and a sippy cup in the other? I am not downplaying the challenges it brings but i am just saying, If I want it then surely I should be able to get it.

I feel like too many of us women are becoming too concerned with how others live life. Women themselves are too critical of other women. We constantly look over the shoulders of other women lying in wait for any mistake they might commit. That is what we have been reduced to.

However, my parting words are simple Do you Boo, do you.

The Colour of the Earth

I remember the first time it hit me. I looked in the mirror and tried to see the difference but I couldn't see anything notable.  So I decided the next day during playtime to coax all my friends to all line up in the mirror so I could get to the truth. Was I what they said I was?

And then it hit me. Staring back at me was the cold hard truth. I was darker than all the rest, I was a dark skinned girl. This single event has been instrumental in shaping the person I am today.

Growing up dark skinned atleast for me was very emotional. I was constantly told how dark I was and of course I always noticed the cute lighter skinned kids get treated better. I don't know if they were actually treated better as I was peaking through the eye of an emotionally scarred child. But to me it seemed they were.

I remember my Kindergarten's nativity play, I had wanted soooo bad to play the role of Mary. Teacher Susan's hurtful words still come to mind "Mary was a muzungu, so a light person should be Mary". At the age of five I was told my skin was not good enough to get me the starring role despite my talent. Bruised. Hurt. Forgotten. I moved on.

Back at home, the most common joke told was how my uncle thought I should be hidden because my darkness would scare off the neighbours. I laughed too, but boy did it hurt.

I learnt quickly enough that I was not pretty and that boys wouldn't want me because I was too dark skinned.

At 14 I had a need to belong. To be accepted. So I started to bleach my skin. I liked this new Kuda. Her face was not so dark anymore and her arms were almost beginning to look like the colour of her mum's arms. I was excited. But deep down I was scared. Scared of who I'd become if I continued. Would I look like Bana Queen the chitumbuwa lady with her red patches on the cheek? Or will I look like Beyoncé ( Like the product automatically came with a long flowy golden brown weave pssh). I quit it and I was back to being plain old dark Kuda.

I grew out of that phase and met fellow darkies during my university years. This gave me a heap of confidence and even though I still get bouts of "I am dark so I am ugly" syndrome, I have learnt to love me.

However, my mind always races to that moment in the mirror.  If someone had not pointed out my darkness, would I have felt that it was a bad thing? At that tender age I knew nothing about skin colour and its influence on beauty. All I saw were my friends and I, little girls without a care in the world oblivious to the shades that exist.

Suppose we start to tell our children from an early age that they are not ugly they are just a different shade of beautiful. Suppose dark skinned models graced more covers of magazines what would that tell our little girls? Suppose the dark skinned girl got the starring role and the light skinned girl played the best friend? 

My point is we need to create a culture that is all inclusive regardless of our shade. And if we push this into mainstream media quickly we start to adjust the mind of people and these very ones will impart a message to their little girls. That they regardless of their skin colour are beautiful.  That they possess a skin colour worn by Kings and Queens. That theirs is an inheritance to cherish.

It is time we re-wrote the story of the dark skinned girl. The stage is set let her finally become star of the show.

There is a God Somewhere

In this fast paced world, it has become almost obscene for one to mention spirituality or have a religous inclination. I won't lie sometimes when I sit I feel that is the easier route because of all the things that my human mind fails to comprehend.

The last couple of months or so I have experienced events that have me saying "there has to be a God somewhere".

Last May I lost my father, a man so full of life he seemed immortal. Suddenly life had thwart me out of my comfort zone and thrown me on the cold hard streets. Being the firstborn, I had to conceal the effects of the impact. And conceal it well I did. I cracked my Kuda jokes and consoled anyone who wished to be consoled. I was the pillar of strength. Not because I gave myself that title but because the world expected me to carry on my firstborn duties and "be strong for Mum and Katebe" as everyone put it. But when the sun went home and the night time creeped up, my pillows were the only ones that knew the depth of my pain. I took to sleeping in my father's bed on his side (the left side) hoping that somehow he would be closer to me. (My mother slept in my room) Because at that point it felt like everything about him was buried at grave No. 5, Memorial Park. It was a lot of pain to bear for one soul but I masked it.

No matter how intense the pain got, I refused to pray. I refused to pray to a God who let this happen. A God who would allow a 47 year old man die in his sleep. A God who would allow a 16 year old boy see his father's dead body. I. REFUSED. My heart was closed to the thought of God.

I am a baptized Christian do not forget. Was baptized for 4 years at the time of my father's death and very spiritually inclined. But somehow all that went down the drain when Dad left.

The pain became unbearable and one night I decided to talk to my long lost friend, Jehovah. I let him know how angry I was, how much pain I felt and just how much I missed him. I didn't get the reply I so desperately wanted so I slept. As the morning came, I felt an inner peace that could only be described as Supernatural. For the first time in months my heart was at peace and I had a deep longing for God's word. The first scripture I turned to was John 5:28,29. This is a VERY familiar scripture to me. I have used it several times in my public ministry. But on that particular day it took on new meaning. In part it says "...all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out...". This time I read it in a different light, I read it as "Dad will hear His voice and come out". God given reassurance at the appropriate time.

As I meditated on the scriptures, I realised that God had nevet let me go. Granted he did allow Dad to pass away, but he never ever caused it. But even though Dad did die, Jehovah was constantly with me. Looking back I see that my family of faith constantly looked after me during that dark period. Kind words, hugs and phone calls from loved ones were all Jehovah's way of saying he has my back. I feel extra ungrateful now however it has given me insight into the kind of God I serve.

He works in ways that can be difficult for mere men to understand but if we put in earnest effort to learn and understand these ways,  he reveals them to us. He wants us to cultivate a relationship with him. He is willing to take all the baggage and hurt that we carry with us and turn them into his own load to bear.

And as I enter the new year with the knowledge of these spiritual gems I am more motivated than ever to rekindle my relationship with God. I am learning albeit slowly to trust not in my understanding but in Jehovah's.

Kuda
Xx

New Beginnings

Anybody who knows (truly knows me) will agree that I am in the race for the corniest human ever. Thus it should come as no surprise that I love new beginnings. And as we are about two days away from 2014, I feel a familiar sense of excitement building up.

2014 for me feels like an Ode to 2013. it has not been the best of years but neither has it been the worst.  I am exceedingly grateful for the multitude of blessings I have received but i still habour regrets nonetheless. So I feel invigorated to start anew.

Like most people I am not new to resolution making. I am in the constant habit of making AND breaking resolutions. This time I have decided to put a leash on myself. I have decided to give my resolution a time limit i.e 240 days. Why 240? Don't ask it is very random. But i do feel that is sufficient time to get myself out of this rut and onto a better path. Below are my goals, broken down of course in terms of areas.

1) SPIRITUALITY
I am a deeply spiritual person and much of my strength comes from the personal relationship I have with Jehovah God. Lately however, i feel like I have pulled away from my spiritual life. So in order to gain it back I have decided I will:
1. Read the Bible and meditate on it every single day. The aim is to finish the whole Bible in a year( out of the 240 days time frame I know, who says you can not rebel? ) I plan to achieve this by waking up an hour early every single morning.
2. I want to draw closer to my family of faith next year. Hence I will invite atleast 5 families over to dine with Momma and I over the course of the year. During my time in Nigeria soooo much love and hospitality was extended to me, I feel it is right to pay it back.

2.WEIGHTLOSS
                                                            *****DRUMROLL*****
Yes of course I want to lose weight. I have seen my 5ft 2" frame balloon to over 90kg. Why would I not want to lose it all? I especially want to focus on this during the first six months because lets face it October is a wonderful month to wear a swimsuit. I will chronicle my journey from time to time. I promise you I will lose the weight.

3.BOOKS AND WRITINGS
I plan to spend more time reading books. My goal for the year is about 20 books. Half of which should be by African authors. I also plan on putting more effort into my writing and hopefully I can complete a couple of short stories whilst I am at it.

So there you have it folks, my 2014 in words :)

I Am Ready

Its been happening a lot lately.  I try not to fight it, I know it is a product of my subconscious.  I try to hide it but I know its happening.

Ed Sheeran does not help this feeling at all. He speaks of "being my safety" and "keeping my body warm". I just realised the one truth I have been avoiding like a Keke on a Lagosian street, I want to be in love.

I am not your typical romantic. I have become used to the routine of  single life. Matter of fact, I find myself constantly justifying why I am single. But at the end of this year I feel the scales slowly pulling from my eyes and I feel it, I want to be in love.

It is extremely difficult for me to "put myself out there" as others so easily say. I just don't know how. Growing up, the importance of independence in a woman was so strongly ingrained in my system that I believed I and only I could provide everything I needed. But no one ever told me that I would one day want to lean against a man's chest. No one cared to tell me that a man's scent is so intoxicating you spend time craving it.
And now that I grow older I realise I want that.

I am by no means asserting that a woman's achievements amount to nothing without a man. No! But FOR ME, after a busy day of mergers and acquisitions I would like to come home to a strong pair of arms wrapped around me.

So there you go, I am searching. Hopefully I can chronicle my journey into the 20 something dating jungle as often as I can.

Love and Smiles.

Life's Little Treasures

I have had  what can only be termed as a rollercoaster life these past two months. I almost feel bad for not making a frequent appearance here. I say almost because the events that explain my silence would make for a great blog post.

Firstly,  I am in Nigeria...how did that happen? I don't know either. All I know is I leapt when thw opportunity came along.
Alot of you who follow me already know for a fact that I worked for a while as a Research Assistant. Most of you will also know that I absolutely LOVED my job. So whats the problem? As much as I tried to conceal it, my job was gettinge into a rut. It became routine. Nothing special was being added to my skill set. I knew deep down that I couldn't hold onto it for infinity.  Something would have to change pretty quick.
Like every other fresh graduate I dropped a multitude of application letters. Some of which I had totally forgotten about. Surprise! Surprise!  I got a call to attend interviews for a management trainee position in a bank. Yes I said it a bank. That week was probably the most emotional draining week since my father's death. Needless to say I got the job. And as part of the job I am required to spend 4  and a half months in Nigeria. 
A part of me just died when I was informed I would be leaving in two days.

I made every excuse I could make to try and get myself out of getting the job. Scandalous I know. It was not that I didn't want the job.  But the thought of treading on unfamiliar grounds is what chocked my courage. I KNEW this was the break I  needed but I just couldn't let go. With urging from family and friends, I found myself on a plane to Nigeria and this is the point I am at.

Its been a fantastic time so far. I have about two months left to go of my stay here. Been meaning to savour all the sights, flavours and sounds as cliché as that may come across.
If I had kept fighting it, I probably would have never got to experience what I am experiencing right now. Granted, its been an uphill battle I am grateful I am here. Look forward to making many more Nigerian friends.

Curves and Edges

For as long as I can remember I have always had problems with my weight. This is a confession that some of my closest friends find very hard to believe. This is because at every opportunity I have chosen to mask my insecurity with false confidence. The truth is deep down I am an insecure mess.

This insecurity has stemmed from unkind comments from people including family and friends alike. But like the good natured person I am I never let it show. I carried on with my lifestyle as unhealthy as it was.

However, soon enough the alarm signals started to go up. During a field visit in Serenje one time, my heart tightened and it felt like the devil was scratching it with his finger nails. It was the most agonising five minutes of my life. Yes that is a dramatic statement but if you know me you know I have a flair for the dramatics.

The biggest alarm signal was like a bullet to my head. My beloved albeit crazy mother came skipping into my room proclaiming her new "skinny" weight. The woman that birthed me was now at a solid 80. And me her progeny?  I was sitting pretty at 91kg. To this day I still do not believe that is my weight. I kept convincing myself he scale was cheap for a reason. It probably had a million plus one flaws that somehow added extra kilos to me.

Once it sunk in that I was fatter than my mother. I started he path of self pity. This journey was accompanied by chips, pies and ofcourse romany creams (what is a fat person without romany creams).
I could have let this path shred me to smitherens. However, 2 days ago I got "ah ha" moment!!

I decided during that moment that enough is enough.  And it is my pleasure to announce to you that I am now embarking on a lifestyle change!! Not a diet no, but a complete overhaul of my eating habits. Out with the junk and in with the fresh foods.

During this time, I promise to litsen to my body and let it be my guide.  I will soon post up how exactly I intend to achieve my weight exactly. But I am truly excited to begin this journey.